Jake Brower Gray turned 5 years old today! I'm wondering where the time has gone.
5 years ago, Liam and I were living in Clarksville, Tennessee. Liam was deployed to Iraq for the year, and I was both tremendously lonely (missing him) and homesick (missing the birth of this little guy). Jake was born on a Tuesday and I traveled home on Friday to meet my new nephew. I'll never forget the first time I saw his sweet little face. He changed everything for our family and has had us wrapped around his little finger ever since. We love you, Jake! Happy Birthday Little Man.
So I've been looking at the referral database at the HoltEthiopiaFamilies yahoo group. Not everyone that is adopting through Ethiopia is a member of this group, but many people are. There is an area where you can put your waitlist number, the date that you were told that you were this number, and what gender/age you are requesting. Since we're number 9, we're close to the top. There are at least 3 families ahead of us that are requesting a boy, while another 3 are requesting either gender (like us). The families that are requesting boys will get the first boy referrals. Therefore, the rest of us that are requesting either gender, will get either a boy or a girl (depending on which comes up first). Since 3 families will definitely receive boys, there is a good possibility that we may get a girl.
It's funny...We were told in the beginning that if we don't specify whether we want a boy or a girl, then more than likely, we will get a boy. This is because, for some reason, most Americans and Europeans that adopt from Ethiopia want a girl. All of this time in the back of my mind, I've been thinking of our child as a boy. Now, there's a good possibility that it's a girl!
Either way, we're excited! We have no girl name picked out, of course (we've had a boy name in mind for months, years even), and I've had my mind on things to decorate the nursery if it's a boy. But when I always thought as a young girl of the children that I would someday have, I always believed that I would have a girl first. Maybe, but then again, maybe not!
Of course, if it is a girl, I think Jakey will kill us. First, he has to contend with Ava (my sister is due in early November) being a girl and now maybe his cousin too. Poor kid!
I've been thinking a lot lately of our child...what he/she is doing at this moment, what he/she looks like (see my last post), and just who he/she is in general. It's impossible to think about our child, without also thinking about his/her birth mother.
How can you thank someone that you've never even met? How can you possibly repay a gift as huge as the one that she is giving us? It breaks my heart to think that if circumstances were different; if she had the money or resources to raise a child, if she were not alone, if any of the hundreds of things that might cause a mother to have to give up her child were not true, then she would know the joy that too many of us take for granted...the joy of motherhood.
Liam and I have the opportunity (it's actually required now) to meet this incredible woman and perhaps some other members of our child's birth family. Many people have expressed to us that they would feel awkward meeting the birth mother of thier child and I too have mixed feelings about this. However, every negative or "awkward" feeling that I have, is about me. What will I say? How should I act? It has little to do with her or our child, for that matter.
Is it in our child's best interest to know his/her birth story? Yes. Is it in his/her best interest to know some of the reasons that led to his/her adoption? Of course it is. Is it in his/her best interest to possibly have a picture of his/her birth mother? Again, yes. Is it in the birth mother's best interest to hear our story? Yes. Is it in her best interest to meet us and hopefully feel that she has made the right decision in trusting us to raise her child? Yes. I can deal with a bit of awkwardness if it will help my child know the answers to some important questions that he/she may have on down the line.
I feel convicted to pray for our child's birth mother. I can't imagine having to give up a child (well, perhaps through the miscarriages, I have some idea, though not a child that I have loved, carried, and felt move for 9 months), but I do know what it feels like to want something so much that it literally makes your body ache with need and to wish desperately that things were different. I pray for her health. I pray for her peace of mind. I pray that she can somehow feel my deep gratitude envelope her. I pray that she will never doubt her decision. I pray that she knows God's love the way that I do and the way that we will raise this child to know.
Below is what I wrote when filling out the data form necessary for our homestudy. The question was what are our feelings towards the birth mother/father?
There is no way that I can begin to understand the sacrifice and selflessness that these families have shown. Having wanted a child for so long, I can’t imagine the anguish that one must feel at having to give their child away. It is a rare person that can think above their own needs to the needs of another; and for some, this extends to their own child. I see evidence of this every day as a school teacher. It is both Liam’s and my wish to have continued communication with the birth family. Through Holt, we would love to exchange letters and pictures. Not only do we feel that this is important to our child to give him a sense of where he was born and the love that his birth parents had for him, but also to provide for the birth family some peace about their decision.
So, this is my continued prayer... Bless her life, dear Lord. Give her an abundance of happiness and love and family. Please let her feel the prayers we have for her on each birthday of our child, each Christmas, each Mother's Day, each moment that we spend as parents. We think of her with reverence and love and inexpressible gratitude. Amen.
Okay, so I did it. I broke down and emailed Jennifer (one of the Holt program people) today to check where we were on the waitlist. I've been following some emails about referrals at the HoltEthiopiaFamilies yahoo group, so I thought that we had moved up one or two spaces. She very gently reminded me that she only updates the list every 2-3 weeks. Therefore, we may be number 8 or 7 or even 2. We just don't know, but our OFFICIAL number is still 9.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time waiting lately. We've waited 4+ years to be this close to finally being parents, I waited a full year to begin the adoption process while Liam was deployed, and I thought that we might have to wait another 2 months for a referral during the court closings*(see below); it's not like waiting is a foreign concept to me. Maybe it's just because we are SO close to finally seeing our little guy/gal. It's becoming SO real and I just can't wait to become acquainted with my child. I stare at other blogs from people that have adopted from Ethiopia, wondering if our child will have any of the characteristics of their children. I'm surprised that the Horton's haven't taken a restraining order out against me. I'm practically stalking Malachi at this point! The wait is killing me! And everyone that has gone through this experience warns me that the wait is so much harder once you have a referral, because every day that passes is one more without your child...a child that you have seen, and read about, and grown to love. I can't imagine loving this child any more than I do now...and I don't know anything about him/her. This whole process is going to be the end of me!
Does my child look like this?
I HOPE!!!!!!!
*Every August-September, Ethiopian courts close down for two months during their rainy season. It's hard to imagine with our technology and industrial advances, but the courts (and much more) grind to a halt during this time. From what I've heard, the rains make traveling very difficult too. This year the courts have been closed since August 9th and they will remain closed until September 26th. I was in fear that this would delay our referral, but apparently, the process has little to do with Court. For people that are waiting to travel, these closings can be extremely frustrating though.
We lost my aunt yesterday. Aunt Terri battled cancer the same way that she lived her life, with courage, grace and quiet determination. As one of her close friends said, "she was a woman of great beauty and class". She was greatly loved by friends and family alike and we will all miss her dearly. She was married for 25 years and anyone that saw my aunt and uncle together would agree that their's was a true love affair. We're thankful that she is at peace and no longer in pain. I know that she is being welcomed into God's kingdom by so many that have passed before her. Please keep our family in your prayers during this difficult time.
When we first became interested in adoption, I devoured every book that I could find on the subject. Here are some of my favorites:
Fields Of The Fatherless
By: Tom Davis
Author Tom Davis encourages us to move beyond words and become Christ to those in need. Join Tom as he shares a journey from around the world and our own backyard as people's lives are changed through the power of compassion. Filled with remarkable stories of hope and mercy, Fields of the Fatherless will inspire you to love "the least of these," and discover the joy found in becoming the hands and feet of Christ.
Adopted For Life
by: Russell D. Moore
This is a fantastic book! It's a call-to-arms for Christians and churches to make adoption a priority in our lives.
There is No Me Without You
By: Melissa Fay Greene
This was recommended to me by a friend. Be prepared, you will need a kleenex.
Not unlike the AIDS pandemic itself, the odyssey of Haregewoin Teferra, who took in AIDS orphans, began in small stages and grew to irrevocably transform her life from that of "a nice neighborhood lady" to a figure of fame, infamy and ultimate restoration. In telling her story, journalist Greene who had adopted two Ethiopian children before meeting Teferra, juggles political history, medical reportage and personal memoir. While succinctly interspersing a history of Ethiopia, lucidly tracing the history of AIDS from its early manifestation as "slim disease" in the late 1970s to its appearance as a bizarrely aggressive [form] of Kaposi's sarcoma in the early 1980s, and following the complex path of medication (a super highway in the West, a trail in Africa), Greene rescues Teferra from undeserved oblivion as well as rescuing her from undeserved obloquy (false accusations of child selling). As with her previous books (Praying for Sheetrock; The Temple Bombing; Last Man Out), Greene takes a very close look at what appears to be the fringe of an important social event and illuminates the entire subject. Ethiopia is home to "the second-highest concentration of AIDS orphans in the world"; even as some of the orphans find happy endings in American homes, Greene keeps the urgency of the greater crisis before us in this moving, impassioned narrative.
The bitter taste of ashes was left in the Bottomlys mouths after learning their hopes of parenthood were shattered. Barrenness, regardless of the cause, causes heartache and pain so harsh it seems impossible to approach life again. But for Josh and Amy Bottomly, Africa opened a door to a new life, the life they had dreamed of. Through a little baby named Silas Tesfarmariam, the Bottomlys found their dreams realized. Clouding this new life were the storms of Africawhere beauty and tragedy, wealth and poverty, and humanity and sub-humanity coexist in a jagged tension. Thrown into the squalls of this drastically different culture, the native Oklahomans learned to see God in a different light. Not only is he the giver of children, hes the manager of nations and the keeper of hearts. Join Josh and Amy Bottomlyand Tesfarmariam too!in this inspiringly true journey from ashes to africa. Like the authors, your life will never be the same again.
"Africa will inspire you and break your heart all at the same time."
We've been asked this question a lot. To tell the truth, I haven't really been able to articulate the reasons why we've chosen to adopt from Ethiopia very well. We certainly didn't make this decision frivolously or without a great deal of thought and prayer. One of the most obvious reasons to be cautious is the difference in race. I grew up in southwest Missouri and Liam in Ireland. Neither are known for their diversity. How are we, a white couple, going to parent an African child? Would we do a good job, or would we forever scar the very child that we're trying to help and had prayed so desperately for? America has a long history of inequality amongst the races, and while there has been VAST amounts of improvement, race is still a hot topic in our country.
It might seem small, but one of my first concerns was hair! We have made great strides in bridging the differences between race, but as Oprah says, "hair is one area that we will always be different". I have fine, limp hair. I wash it everyday and it takes me about 10 minutes to fix it in the morning- The polar opposite of African-American hair. I had no idea where to even start!
The first time I heard about a place called Ethiopia was in the 6th grade with the release of "We are the World". My friends and I watched Michael Jackson and his legion of fellow singers on MTV, but had no real concept of what famine was doing to that country. To a sixth grade girl living in the United States, Ethiopia seemed as distant as the moon. I'd seen images of starving children on my television set and felt compassion, but didn't know what I could do to help. Fast forward twenty+ years and I still feel that way, but I'm trying. Here's the startling reality about Ethiopia:
33% of Ethiopians are considered severly underweight when the food surplus in the United States could feed all of Africa.
One American eats what 520 Ethiopians eat in their lifetime
Only 24% of Ethiopia has access to clean water, and some have to walk hours to get it
81% of Ethiopians live on less than $2 a day
The average woman gives birth to 6 children
1 in 7 of these women die in childbirth
Women who are raped or unmarried and get pregnant are shunned from their tribe and forced to live on the outskirts
There are 4.6 million orphans in Ethiopia
Experts predict that with the rising number in a couple of years this number will be between 25 and 50 million orphans!
Out of the nearly 5 million orphans, 720,000 of those are a result of AIDS
1 in 7 children die before the age of ONE
1 in 6 die before the age of FIVE
Main cause of death~ diarrhea and pneumonia
Median age is 17.8 years, 17.8 years!!!!!!!!
265,000 children die daily from preventable diseases (that's one every 3 seconds)
Only half of school-aged children actually attend school.
There is only 1 doctor for every 24,000 people
**And probably most disheartening, because I too have been guilty of this: American Christians spend four times as much each year on dietary programs as they do on humanitarian aid.
So, why not adopt from Ethiopia? The Bible says, "Pure and geniuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing the let the world corrupt you (James 1:27)." Nowhere does it state to care for orphans, but only if they're the same color as you or only if you risk nothing by taking on a child that is of a different race or culture than your own. Something as negligible as race seems pretty small in light of the above statistics. Intangible differences such as culture and race are of this world, not of God. God cares nothing of where you were born or what color skin you have.
Our child will be beautiful and loved because he or she is a child of God. And yes, when you see us, you will see a multiracial and multicultural family. However, I hope you see more than that. I hope you see a family where love transpires all earthly differences and a couple, once left broken by infertility, who have found their faith restored through a child. Much like humanity so many years ago, found its most precious gift in the birth of a child...the Christ child.
God has a special place for the poor. The poor are where God lives. God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house. God is where the opportunity is lost and lives are shattered. God is with the mother who has infected her child with a virus that will take both lives. God is under the rubble in the cries we hear during wartime. God is with the poor and God is with us if we are with them. -Bono (lead singer of U2)
