So, over the weekend I had a "Come to Jesus" moment and realized how selfish I am being. I know it's completely normal to feel frustrated at the prospect of not seeing our son for...well, we don't know how long. But, there is NO reason for me to feel the deep despair and gloom that I've felt this past week.
I have so much to be thankful for. Aidan is OUR son! He's healthy and after watching how his nannies interact with him, I know he's being well taken care of. He's happy and gorgeous and everything that I prayed for. All those tears and prayers and darkest moments have led me here- to the most amazing child. I am blessed! I have a wonderful husband, who has put up with my moods and being the "door mat" for my emotions. He's healthy. I'm healthy. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends who support and love us. Most of all, I have my Father in Heaven, who has promised to love me and never leave my side. He has walked through the darkest valleys of this journey with me and no matter how many times I have pulled away and grown angry with Him, He still loves me and never gives up on me. I have so much!
I had the opportunity to attend Winter Jam (hence the additions to my playlist- already LOVED Kutless, but Francesca Bastistelli was there and Newsboys...so cool) this past weekend and volunteer by helping sign people up to sponsor children through our adoption agency, Holt International. Talk about a humbling experience. I've been dwelling in my own pain and misery and have only wanted to see one small corner of the picture that God has painted for us. I've been stuck in my own gloom and haven't wanted to see any other perspective...not even Liam's.
But, there is a much bigger picture. Only God knows why we're experiencing these delays now. I have to trust that He knows what he's doing. That's hard to do, because I don't like feeling powerless. I want to be able to make things happen, but that's not how this process works. God who sees all and knows all, has chosen to delay Aidan's homecoming for a bit. I don't know why, but I know that He would never put us through added pain, if it were not for a VERY good reason. So, that's it. I'm letting go and putting my full faith in God and in our incredible adoption agency who has an excellent reputation and has done so much good for thousands of orphans and children at risk around the world.
It's not easy, but it's worth it.
I love you SO much, sweet Aidan.