The update email from our adoption agency yesterday was positive, but we have no specific day yet for when our case (and other's like it) will be submitted to the US embassy. I go from feeling pretty optimistic to feeling completely heartbroken and frustrated.
I knew going into April that it would be a difficult month, but with the added uncertainty of when we will be able to bring Aidan home, I'm a basket case of emotions. I'm still trying to look for the positive, but I feel that the adversary is doing his best to lead me down the path of self-pity and hopelessness.
April always reminds me of pregnancy. April is Infertility Awareness Month. For years, April was a reminder of the children that Liam and I may never have. For the last two years, I have also discovered that I was pregnant in the month of April, only to have our dreams squashed once more when I miscarried. April no longer holds the promise of renewal to me. Instead, it just reminds me once more of the deep loss that infertility and miscarriage brings.
Worst of all, jealousy has reared it's ugly head. I REALLY hate feeling envious. It's not a pleasant emotion, nor am I a very nice person to be around lately. I'm jealous of those with children. I'm jealous of women who have found out they're pregnant and still have the joy and wonderment that only innocence can bring; innocence in believing that everything will be fine and nothing bad could possibly happen to steal that excitement. I'm jealous of those that have received embassy dates and will soon be bringing their children home. I know, UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!
Now there is talk of a government shutdown, which will further complicate and delay us. I just feel that everywhere I look, the news is depressing. I really pray that all of this gets resolved quickly, but with every day that goes by with no real news, my hope is deminishing.
Heavenly Father,
Please work all of the chaos to Your Glory and bring our son home to us quickly. Please take this stupid, ugly, pathetic feeling of jealousy and cast it far, far away from me, Lord. Give Liam and I (especially me) the peace that surpasses understanding, Father.
Amen
But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
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